Identity Pitfalls

Failing to Explore Your Identity

You can ignore the challenge and drift for a while, but as you get older, it becomes more and more important for you to take on the identity challenge directly.  The related pitfall to avoid is failing to explore and define your identity as go on your journey.  Identities evolve – if we let them.

False Identities

There are a bunch of ways that you can take on an identity that is easily available, but not authentically you.  These are elements such as: “I am who I know or who I am in a relationship with.”  “My status symbols or the money I have define me.” “My identity is based on my rebellion ‘against’ something vs. my belief and commitment ‘to’ something.”  “I’m defined by a mistake I’ve made or something I’ve failed at.”

These factors may have an impact on your identity, but they shouldn’t be allowed to form it.  Most of them aren’t authentically you – or who you are becoming.  Some, like mistakes and failures, can’t be allowed to have too much influence.

All or Nothing

This is the pitfall where you believe that if you aren’t perfect or as smart/attractive/tough/street-smart/talented as another, that you are nothing or you are “just…”  We are a combination of a lot of factors – and that’s what gives us our value or worth – it’s why we can form relationships, hold jobs, etc.

Being the best at something is great, but it doesn’t go very far in terms of creating a strong resilient identity.  That takes a lot of elements and very few of them will be “the best at…”

Basing Your Identity on One or Two Elements

This is an easy pitfall to fall into until you are pretty far down the path and have discovered a lot of different aspects of your identity.  You can over-identify with being a star athlete or performer, an excellent student, being very attractive, being rich, etc.

You can also over-identify with being unattractive, a poor student, not a star at any particular activities, being in a racial or ethnic minority, having a sexual orientation that is not the norm, etc.  Authentic healthy identities are made up of a bunch of elements, not just a few.

Giving Up Yourself to Be in a Relationship

This is the big one that everyone struggles with.  It’s really easy to try too hard to fit with someone or a group and give up too much of yourself – your identity. 

We all have to compromise a bit to fit into relationships, but too much compromise twists us out of shape and we lose too much of ourselves.  During the teenage years, with all the changing and developing going on with everyone, this is a major pitfall.